Trust and Betrayal, Part 2: 4 Simple, Difficult Truths
Following on from my last blog post on trust and betrayal, the following are four truths about the experience of betrayal of trust. They are surprisingly easy to state. However, really taking in what they mean for our lives is likely a much bigger psychological task.
1. An Experience of Betrayal Can Deeply Impact A Person’s Ability to Trust Others. Not surprisingly, someone who has had their trust violated in a profound way is wary of giving that trust again. It may be that they find that it is only with the greatest degree of effort that trust can be restored. It may well be that, on an unconscious level they withhold trust or sabotage relationships — or they just don’t get into them.
2. An Experience of Betrayal Can Really Impact a Person’s Ability to Trust Him- or Herself. The experience of betrayal not only impacts a person’s attitudes and response to others. It can also have a profound impact on the way an individual regards his or her own being. The reflection that he or she trusted someone deeply, and was betrayed, can lead to profound self-doubt and lack of confidence in her or his own judgment.
3. Experiences of Betrayal Can “Snowball”. If Someone Has Undergone Betrayal, It Can Be Easy to Repeat the Pattern. On the other hand, the reverse of point 2. can occur to a person. An individual who has suffered a deep betrayal may unconsciously seek to get into a relationship of trust with someone who is as similar as possible to the initial betrayer. They may hang onto a deep hope in the unconscious that they will be able to be in an intimate relationship with one like the former beloved, and instead of having the same tragic outcome as in the first relationship, there is a deep yearning for it to “turn out differently this time”. Needless to say, such an individual may be unconsciously setting themselves up for a econd, maybe even more devastating betrayal.
4. Betrayal Can Lead to Bitterness, Revenge, Hatred — or to New Awareness. Probably all of us know someone who has been through an experience of betrayal, who “can’t let go”. Sometimes people are consumed by bitterness, hatred or an overwhelming desire for revenge, and as a result, that person’s life ends up “on ice”. They are stuck, and can’t move past what has been done to them. Such a person needs to find a way to begin to let go of the pain and the outrage, and to find a source of hope, and an awareness of something that gives meaning and in which he or she can invest themselves. Something that beckons him or her on, pulling him or her into his or her life.
I am not engaging in uttering some glib bit of fake sunshine here. Make no mistake: such “letting go” can be the biggest single piece of psychological work that a person may undertake in his or her life. It is a work that cannot just come from the ego. It is something that comes from the Self.
In one form or another, betrayal is an experience common to humanity. To find a way to let go of the experience enough to allow it to be transformed, to move through it and into our lives — is unfortunately not as common. It can only be accomplished through engagement with the deepest parts of ourselves. Often this is a place in life where /a-midlife-transition can have an important role in the journey toward wholeness.
My very best wishes to you on your individual journey to wholeness — especially if at this point in your journey you are seeking healing around issues of trust. If you were willing to share any of your experiences around this very important area of life, I would welcome and honour your comments or emails.
Brian Collinson, Psychotherapist and Jungian Analyst
PHOTO CREDIT: © Ciapix |Dreamstime.com © 2010 Brian Collinson