Why do People Self Sabotage? And How Can You Stop?
Why do people self sabotage? It’s an immensely important question for many people caught in self-defeating patterns. And it’s a question with very individual answers.
To at least some extent, all of us know the experience of a pattern of behaviour that prevents us from getting what we really want. For many, such behaviour is connected with anxiety and depression. Sometimes it can be a huge mystery to the individual as to why she or he does things that prevent him or her from realizing key desires and aspirations. Sometimes, self-defeating behavior can actually be very important as it takes us back, and forces us to look at the question of what is it that we really do want?
What Does Self-Sabotage Look Like?
Self-sabotage occurs when an individual does things that prevent her or him from living out deeply held values, or that thwart the sincere aspirations of the individual.
There are quite a number of areas where people engage in self-sabotaging behaviour. Some of the most prominent include: procrastination; self-medication using food, shopping, video games or the internet; imposing unconscious limitations on oneself often through excessive modesty, or, paradoxically, its opposite; pursuing unattainable goals
Why Do People Self-Sabotage? Often It’s About Uncomfortable Emotions
These behaviour patterns are only a representative sample. Jungian /a-midlife-transitions would see them as all having unique characteristics, and as part of the unique life patterns of individual humans. Yet they all tend to have one thing in common. Very often these patterns of behaviour have to do with avoiding or evading uncomfortable emotional states. Often, one way or another, those uncomfortable emotions may be connected to our self-esteem, and how we feel about ourselves in important ways.
When we procrastinate, for instance, it’s often because some other activity feels more pleasant than the task we have at hand — and this may be particularly true if our perfectionism and high standards make us feel bad about the quality of job we’re doing when we actually work on the task, because it’s “not good enough” or “not perfect”. Similarly, an excessively modest person may hurt her- or himself by not putting the best foot forward. Yet, that behaviour may save the person from the risk of repeating very painful experiences from the past in which they did put forward their best efforts, only to have them mercilessly attacked and criticized by someone whose approval and validation they desperately wanted and needed.
Introjection and Self-Sabotage
Depth case studiess know that messages that others have given to us at vulnerable points in our lives can lead us to self-sabotage. Someone who has heard endlessly as a child that they are unintelligent and that no one is interested in what they have to say may want to share their thoughts and ideas with others. On a conscious level, they may well believe that what they have to say is good, valid and worthwhile. Yet they may face opposition from a very strong, quite possibly unconscious inner force that keeps them from making their contribution or speaking their truth. Only by recognizing the power of this kind of largely unconscious messaging will the individual who has been subjected to it gradually learn to be able to protect themselves against it, to push back and to speak in their own voice.
Freedom From Self-Sabotage
To become free of these kinds of self-sabotaging behaviours can often be a matter of crucial importance to those in the grips of self sabotage. Often an understanding of the unconscious forces at work can give the individual the necessary insight, and the necessary self-compassion to move forward on the path to freedom.
The goal of /a-midlife-transition in dealing with the question “Why do people self sabotage?” is to give the individual the understanding and means to find the freedom to no longer be in conflict with themselves. That understanding and power is rooted in the unique characteristics of the individual, and their unique, particular journey to wholeness.
Brian Collinson, Registered Psychotherapist & Jungian Psychoanalyst
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